Living on the Autism Spectrum – The Spiritual Side

I’m going to talk about what living on the Autism Spectrum (ASC) feels like and the spiritual side of it. Although it’s mild, it can be debilitating for most people. It often goes undiagnosed (I know someone who was diagnosed at 67). No one officially diagnoses adult ASC at the time of writing this article, not that I know of.

It’s a peril for most of us, as a diagnosis is a great help to stop blaming ourselves and start working on harnessing our strengths. I don’t intend to sound whiney in this article. Instead, I’m trying to get my feelings & experiences across. However, if you don’t want to read it then you can skip to the last paragraphs for positivity. Hope this helps someone like me, out there.

As a child, I was always thinking why does the world need me to be so active? Why do I need to speak all the time? Why do people think something is wrong with me when I am just sitting by myself, or not participating in conversations? I enjoyed being alone, studying or drawing by myself, or just doing nothing. I enjoyed listening to other people’s stories and never felt the need to add my own opinions. I didn’t have any, to begin with.

“Say something!”, they said.

“What? I have nothing to say.”, my usual answer. Because there really wasn’t. It baffled them to think how could I not have any thoughts, no opinions? But that was it.

Having conversations stressed me out because quite often, something I said would create fights and quarrels. I didn’t know what to say and when unlike other people. So, I started keeping to myself even more. No friends, no communication problems, no fights, no stress.

I have a very big problem with phones. I dread phone calls even today. I still remember when I used a phone for the first time in my life. I was terrified. I’d rather call them back afterward when I feel not so overwhelmed than answering a call straightaway. People who talk freely on the phone even with strangers are magicians to me. Not to forget the number of times I have to ask the other person on the line to repeat themselves because my brain just can’t process the words. Sometimes my mind performs better by making sense of the sounds 3 seconds later (hearing lag). Other times, worse, by substituting certain words with similar-sounding ones and the meaning of the whole sentence changes. They’re talking Apples and I’m thinking Oranges and replying accordingly.

I have always been averse to talking but you can make me write books after books. You can check one out here! I used to lock myself in my room if there’s a guest at home. I used my vocal cords so less that when I started speaking after many days, they hurt of disuse. My voice box got tired easily and I couldn’t speak for more than 5 minutes.

But how does the school, college, university, and jobs work if I go on this way? I never wanted to talk to any teacher or client! So, I threw myself into uncomfortable environments so that I have no choice but to learn. I thought I’m a stupid girl who didn’t learn all of this in school. I had only a few friends and one best friend at a time. That too because they were the ones who didn’t need to talk to me to understand what I have to say.

I always found societal constructs extremely weird. Like, why do families have to get involved so much in a couple's wedding, such that they can accept or reject the bride/groom? Are they going to get married? Are they going to spend their whole life with this person? No, right? Secondly, what's the point of formalities to show respect when you're actually dissing them all the time behind their backs? Why don't people value someone who is actually respectful and full of love but doesn't know how to do these formalities? (hello, me)

I’m unable to follow through and understand what these formalities mean to people around me. I assume they feel the same because I can’t really pick up what they want, from their behavior. Is it just me or do people behave in a completely opposite way at different times? They say something and I take their word on it and then they act completely different, leaving me in a shock. Why is everyone so unpredictable? Or am I living in a world of my own?

I didn’t understand phrases like, “Tell me about it!”, before. I would have actually started telling them about it. I had to make a conscious effort to re-learn what some of these common phrases meant. When a co-worker called me and, "I'm swamped!", I thought she is stuck in a swamp and needs my help!

I come across as rude or insensitive as I speak less but when I speak, it is blunt and straightforward with the least number of words possible. This has cost me a lot, including many job interviews. I passed a few interviews out of many and that’s only because I masked during those interviews (explained later).

I remember the birthdays of some of my school friends. Although, it’s hard for me to remember in the evening what I ate for breakfast.

Did you ask me for a favor? Good luck, you’ll probably never get it done because I never remember such things unless I write it down at the very moment. Please send a reminder!

I have no bodily coordination whatsoever. I can’t even stand straight, forget walking properly or dancing! I have been practicing my stance recently for some improvement. I still struggle to put lids on kitchen jars as they always fly away for some reason.

My hand-eye coordination is excellent though! I’m a God-gifted artist. I can make realistic sketches and paintings but I get bored with them pretty quickly. I am very good at all kinds of handiwork be it dentistry, carving, sculpting, embroidery, or anything of that sort.

I can sometimes become fixated on things. For example, if I have to find something out, I can spend hours looking it up on google, even it means skipping lunch. I hate leaving things in between and getting up, even to pee. I’ll forget every other important work I had. If I’m able to find the information, you’ll see me going on and on about it repeatedly to those around me. I am now more conscious of this behavior and make it a point to take a break and not repeat what I said.

I want my things to always be in my line of sight or at least where I know they’re kept. If something has been moved from where I kept it, I freak out! I just cannot rest and have to create a storm in the house so that everyone starts looking for it. I won’t rest until I find it. If I don’t, it’ll keep bothering me, even down to tears, for days to come. I also have meltdowns like these when something unexpected happens or when someone changes my plans. Shutdowns happen very often sometimes twice or thrice a week. These can result from overstimulation. Now, people with ASC can get overstimulated by anything and everything!

Had to talk on the phone for too long? – I need a day’s break from people.

It’s Monday and there’s a list of things to do? – Abort mission & just sleep!

Talked too much today? – Time to lock me in a room.

Someone’s shouting on the road? – Anxiety attack.

Can’t find my wallet? – This is a big one, so, turn the whole house upside down crying!

Did someone cancel my plans? – Oh well, only God can save me now.

Thankfully, these meltdowns have been absent for a few years now that I meditate, practice Reiki, and be more conscious of how I feel. But I still have the shutdowns. Sometimes it happens many times in a week. Knowing I have ASC has helped me stop beating myself up when I’m unable to work. Instead, I take a rest. I utilize the rest of the time to be productive because I can really concentrate and do great things.

I found out early on, that I just cannot work for someone else. There are a lot of reasons for that. In short, my ASC won’t let me. I want things to be done MY way. I am awkward in social situations and that’s why I always knew I’ll be my own boss no matter what I do. Also, how can I work when I can’t get past interviews?

"Edit: March 28, 2023: This has been turned around recently because I found mentors who let me be who I am and allowed me to see that I can absolutely pursue what fits my personality and that I don't have to change to being liked in interviews or to be hired!"

I have recently lost the ability to feel other people’s pain while they’re narrating it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a highly empathetic individual and a clairsentient. But my mind might not be open to feeling it at the time the person is breaking down. But I make sure my inability to feel at that moment doesn’t come in the way of their space to express.

Some more points about my personality that link to ASD:

• I have no handwriting. I can copy anyone's handwriting and signatures.

• I pick up accents very fast. Almost immediately.

• I copy facial expressions of any person I see - magazine photos, videos, instructors, billboards, anything!

• I also copy any phrases or words I hear that sound interesting to me. This is called echolalia. I never knew this was a thing and had a name!

• I had a massive shutdown in 2017. I used to think it could be from downloading too much spiritual information at once but now that I think about it, it could also have been due to being overstimulated by that information and then my mind shutting down.

• I stim often: I didn't know that constant lip biting, something I've been doing since birth, is a type of stimming behavior. I rock my body back and forth sometimes unknowingly. I pick my skin and twirl my hair very often. Anything to stim! I now direct my stimming behaviors to other things such as a stimming toy.

• I feel like I don't have what I think everyone has in their life: a manual of life. That's because I simply don't get it. This has also improved overtime but I remember feeling like this so often and feeling so sad.

• Sensitivity to light. I cannot tolerate bright bulbs. I prefer to always be in dim lighting indoors. I do enjoy being in bright sun but only because I appreciate the Sun so much.

• I hate noise. I cannot tolerate loud noises at all.

• I hate makeup. I despise the feeling of something sitting on my skin and that includes make up.

• I hate to wear anything on my hands and arms. Even a ring or a bracelet bothers me so much that I have to remove it with irritation. For the same reason, I'm extremely sensitive to cloth tags. I also always need to tuck my inner shirt into my lowers because I can't bear the feeling of elastic touching my skin.

• Ordering food in a shop is a nightmare. I always jumble everything up. I think it overstimulates me.

About Masking – The following text has been borrowed from Tiimoapp.com:

Women and girls with autism are masking their conditions to such a degree that they risk late or missed diagnosis. Masking symptoms of autism may help socially and professionally but may also harm the individuals in the process.

Camouflaging or using social imitation strategies include imitations like “making eye contact during conversation, using learned phrases or pre-prepared jokes in conversation, mimicking other’s social behavior, imitating facial expressions or gestures, and learning and following social scripts”

These masking or compensation strategies are often very exhausting for the individual to perform and comes at a cost. Masking requires a substantial cognitive effort, which can be exhausting and may lead to “increased stress responses, meltdown due to social overload, anxiety, and depression, and even a negative impact on the development of one’s identity”.

 Well, living with Autism Spectrum Condition, this is a summary of my whole life in an infographic. I have been masking forever. I remember I developed a strategy to curb my social anxiety and inability to perform in the university by “playing the part” of a brave, confident girl called Dr. Rio who goes to this university and excels in life. I practiced her part in front of the mirror. She was definitely not the real me. It was me in the evening, when I was in my hostel room, all alone, in my own sweet company.

All these years I felt an agonizing pain in my heart by knowing the fact that this world is not meant for introverts like me. I work hard (harder than most people have to) to stay afloat in this society that dictates what type of personality is acceptable and successful and what isn’t.

I have this wealth of knowledge and talent inside me. I just want to express it and use my talents to make a living and also help people. But ASC makes me feel like a water tanker that has an inlet but no outlet and it is about to explode. The effort that it takes to get this content out of me is huge and I have to jump through many hoops to even make a simple social media post.

• Putting myself out there means exposing myself to hordes of triggers that can precipitate anxiety, meltdowns, and shutdowns.

• It means that I’ll mask even more often and in front of a wider audience.

• It means I’ll experience a lot of negative effects of my own nature, not necessarily caused by others.

• It means not being able to secure a “normal” career like every other immigrant in this new country.

• It means I might sabotage my own health & possibly career as well.

• This uncertainty gets to me, spoils my health, and delays my work.

But, (Thank God) I have been handed over this realization at just the right time in my life. These are some synchronicities in relation to this:

• I am much more conscious of my behaviors. I was able to identify certain patterns and behaviors that lead me to the diagnosis and thus an opportunity to make the best of it, while not being hard on myself.

• I have been a lot connected with the spirit lately. I have been asking for help regarding my weird feelings and inability to be “normal”. I received it.

• I am on a mission to know myself inside out. I now know I am millions of years old. I know most of my past lives that are of significance to me today. This eagerness to know myself opened up this information to me.

• One of my best friends is someone who works with Autistic kids and their parents. It was his friendship that played a part in the process of my spiritual awakening. Today, I playback his views about Autism and I’m in awe at how much they were meant for me. He had been telling me all this while!

• Just a month ago, I found a Reiki symbol to heal autism. It was given to someone who had an autistic daughter, in her meditation. She was able to completely heal her autistic daughter with it. She is officially autism free now! I extremely appreciate the timing of this symbol finding its way to me.

People with mild ASC are often considered “eccentric” because of their peculiar interests and behaviors. However, as a disclaimer, I just want to state that my interest in spiritual sciences is not a result of my ASC. I had been having these experiences forever, but I never thought of pursuing this as a career before. All of us are psychic and can perceive the other realms but those who practice using these senses often can sense them more and thus walk on this path. Others go on living life in 3D and learn in their own time. If you’re open to wisdom and intuition more naturally, doing something else doesn’t make sense anymore. Also, destiny played a big part in forcing me to accept this. Otherwise, I’d have had to struggle a lot in my life and be unhappy with my career.

Being this wonderful tall man in Lemuria 1000s, if not millions, of years ago, and this short Autistic girl in India in this life is all a part of the Earth experience. As I know myself more and more, the depth of my consciousness is increasing, so is my wisdom. Living with ASC has been an important part of learning and the Earth experience. Without it, I wouldn’t have valued myself and my talents. I wouldn’t have taken steps for self-care. And most importantly, I wouldn’t have taken the time to search my soul. As I continue on this journey to know myself, I want to take you all along so that you are able to see the depth of your own soul as well. The extent to which your consciousness goes deep is so amazing that you cannot fathom how amazing you all are. We are an extension of the universal consciousness that decided to observe and experience itself. Going through life mundanely without purpose isn’t going to serve the purpose we’re here for.

As I go on living with Autism Spectrum Condition, wearing a different “mask” than everyone else, I fall in love with myself yet again.